This Christmas, I received several gifts which are aimed at helping me care for myself. Because of them, I've decided that 2018 is my year for self care. The gift is a small TV which is wall mounted at the head of my treadmill desk. I can watch shows or YouTube videos while I walk. The second gift is a daily devotional guide. I'm thankful for this because I do miss going to Church weekly.
The third gift is the reason for this post. It's a set of 48 cards called The Four Agreements based upon a book by Don Miguel Ruiz. The cards each fall under one of the four agreements and then have a bit of wisdom for the day and a short explanation. I'm going to do these each day and, for the first run through the cards, will post here.
If I miss a day, I'll pick up the following day, continuing until I've completed all 48. After that, I'll go through them again on my own. I just want to share them the first time on this blog so I get in the habit of visiting them. I'm counting on posting to also be a way for me to hold myself accountable.
So, today's card falls under the Agreement: Don't Make Assumptions.
The artwork on the front is of dandelions and has the words, 'Say goodbye to sadness and drama'. The back side says this: All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally. The whole world of control between humans is based on that. Take a moment and consider this.
My first thought at the mention of sadness is the death of my mother. On January 14th, it will be two years. The drama surrounding her cancer, her care, and family was burdening. I admit that now most of that drama has decreased significantly. There were moments when I needed to take control of things surrounding Mom's cancer: her medications, limiting contact with crowds because the risk of pneumonia was great, shopping for the same reason as limiting crowds, and driving since her reflexes were slowed to the point of making her a dangerous driver...there were many more. I struggled with making those control decisions; she fought to keep them; friends and a few family members couldn't understand and eventually I had no strength to give them because what I had left belonged to Mom.
It's interesting that today's card says to say goodbye to the sadness and drama. I'm still questioning whether I did the right thing for Mom here and there. I assumed I was doing right by her at the time. I've been told I did the best I could under the circumstances. Maybe so but I wonder if I could've done better. What if my assumptions were wrong?
After working on this post, which took me longer than normal because I keep stopping to ponder it all, I've made a decision. I accept that I did what I could and whether that was good enough or not no longer matters. Yes, I am sad that she is gone from my life.However, that sadness is no longer going to control me. I choose to celebrate her with smiles of the good times and happy memories instead.
I love you Mom. Even though this card has dandelions instead of your favorite sunflowers, they're still a sunny, bright yellow. I'm off to go find a mature dandelion and blow away my sadness with the seeds as I send them away from me through the air with one breath.